I don't feel very pretty or attractive

I am 22 years old and have only had one sexual experience in my entire life. When I was around 7 years old I remember one of my friends, Lisa, reaching her head down to kiss my vulva during play. I wish I could say I received pleasure from this. But I did not. Soon after her grandfather came over and she left the house. Just one interlude that I can remember. But it has caused confusion for me all these years later.

I've asked myself, am I still really a virgin because Lisa kissed my privates? Can I really say that I've never been "sexually active" before? The truth is that I've never had another sexual experience with another person at all. I've never even been kissed before! Never held hands. Never dated or had a boyfriend. In high school I was fat and had a very protective mother who wouldn't let me date until the last part of senior year in high school. When I was 18 years old.

I feel like such a loser sometimes. Like no guy in his right mind would believe my "lack of experience." Than again, I've looked at myself as a virgin for so long that it's become very ingrained into my identity. I don't feel very pretty or attractive. And, even though its wrong, I tell myself that even though I'm not pretty I can give a guy something those other girls can't...My first time with a guy. But what will I have if I give that away? Than I'll just go back to being the chubby, glasses wearing girl who just happens to have had sex.

It scares me.

Anonymous





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