I Hate Sex-I Am Sexophrenia

I am 25 years old and have suffered from schizophrenia for several years. I find the mental illness has affected my sexuality in more ways than one. Like many with schizophrenia I find it very hard to desire or feel emotion towards those around me. Truth be told, I feel little towards those I share my life with. Coworkers. Friends. Family. Anyone. True emotion is simply NOT much a part of my nature. It is a very difficult and hard thing for me. And sad as well.

I have never had a romantic or sexual relationship because of this lack of feeling towards others. A part of me wants sex, but I feel so removed from human intimacy that I shy away from contact with the outside world. I would rather be alone in my "dream world" than out in the real one. I spend most of my time alone in my room. Human contact is simply too mentally unpleasant for me.

As far as sexuality goes, it is very hard for me to tell the difference between what is me and what is the illness at work. I can "imagine anything" because schizophrenia can bend and twist the human imagination into the worst things imaginable. I cannot even go to places that have children because the sight of them brings to mind, for me, the horrors of pedophilia. I become sick and horrified. To the point of making myself ill. This even happens all through out the day for no apparent reason or when ever imagine anything sexual.

From the moment I wake up to the moment I go to sleep I go through a sexual hell few will ever know or understand.

People take for granted their own minds. Their ability to feel love for those around them. To smile at another person and actually mean it. To have a sexual thought and know it is THEM and not some horrible disease.

Some of us are not so fortunate.

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