Making Love With Step Dad

My mother and father divorced when I was about five years old and I lived with my mother, who was a very eccentric and as it turned out sick woman. I think I always suffered from the loss of my dad and from a very young age was very curious about boys and sexual matters. My mother was a medical professional (nurse) who insisted upon clinical discussions about the female body with my sister and me. Otherwise she was cold and dismissive. My sister was a goody-two-shoes and I was somewhat of a rebellious brat in that area of growth.

When I turned eight my mom abruptly married a man she met through her job at a local hospital. I developed an immediate crush on him and competed (I now realize) for his attention with my mother...Their marriage was not very good as my mother soon fell victim to her frequent bouts of depression, which she addressed with drug abuse and self medication. As she spiraled out of control, I often found myself drawn to my step-dad who holed himself up in our family room on those nights when my mother angrily retired to her bedroom. I would often seek him out, and while my mother was upstairs, cold, angry, and unavailable I would curl up in his lap and snuggle. I was well aware of my body by this age (about nine) and would frequently rub my pussy at night alone in my bed. There was nothing all that sexual to me about it...It just felt...GOOD!

My step-dad never sought me out in improper ways, but gradually our secret "snuggle" times became more and more sensual....He would generally lie back in his easy chair while I straddle him...We would start off with just "tickles and giggles" seemingly innocent enough, but after several minutes of my rubbing up against him, I was grinding myself against him stimulating myself...He never overtly touched me or pulled down my clothes but once when he was wearing only a robe and boxer shorts, I was aware of his erection.....and once while I was humping him, I felt his hand slip up under the legging of my short pajama bottoms and touch my pussy....As I ground down more insistently, he got very uncomfortable and pushed me off and sent me to bed....

When I was 12, I was already masturbating by manually stimulating my clitoris almost to the point of orgasm and many of my fantasies involved my step-dad. I had seen by pure accident a soft-core erotic movie on cable TV that involved a man performing oral sex on a young woman and I often fantasized my step-dad licking me...Our secret armchair sessions had ended, distracted by more pressing worries of my mother's rapid deterioration and mental illness. That same year, she attempted suicide, a very serious attempt, and was in a coma for almost a month. While she was in the hospital, I went and lived with my grandma, though I frequently talked to my step-dad on the phone. One night I was talking to him on the phone in bed when I said to him abruptly, "I love you." He paused and responded very sweetly, "I love you too, baby." Though there was nothing untoward about it, when I got off the phone I played with my pussy for over an hour, prior to going to sleep.

Soon after my mom's release release from the hospital, I experienced a resurgence of all those old feelings for my step-dad, even though we did not continue with our armchair exercises....Nonetheless, I was growing and becoming much more aware of my sexuality and had no understanding of what to do with those feeling. I enjoyed primping myself in my mother's bathroom, using her large garden tub to bathe, and expansive vanity mirror to admire myself, naked but for a towel wrapped loosely around me.

On one occasion, I was putting up my hair when my step-dad knocked on the bathroom door wishing to use the toilet...I opened the door and was full aware of him looking at me as a man looks at a woman, at least one who is still steamy from a hot bath with little to cover her but a towel and gooseflesh. Once again, he did nothing overtly, and when my towel slipped (and it did innocently) he pretended not to look at my breasts.....Nonetheless, I think I felt for the first time my breasts responding to a sexual feeling. [Every so often, I will to this day find ways to expose my breasts to people in public accidentally (letting by bikini top fall or wearing a loose fitting Tee shirt with no bra) and find it a real turn-on to know someone sees my tits.]

He didn't touch me but pushed passed me into the toilet area of the bathroom suite where he left the door cracked enough so that I could see him urinate....It was the first and only time I ever saw his penis and I was mesmerized....Even as he was in the bathroom he chatted back to me as though nothing was out of the ordinary and when I couldn't quite catch something he said I put my face close to the door and looking in saw him standing in front of the toilet with a full erection. I had never imagined that a man's cock was so large and I had never seen anything like it before, starring at it for quite a while....I know he wanted me to see it and we looked at each other, each knowing what we were thinking.....I didn't open the door fully but took a small step backward and opened the towel so he could see my full body....At the time, I had just developed small but ample breasts with hard nipples and had a full thatch of pubic hair around my pussy....I am not sure what he saw but I sure wanted him to see it all and for him to pursue me....I know this seems sick to some but that is what I honestly felt....I also add that to this day, I have never felt more sexy about my body than I did showing it to him through that partially opened door.

Fortunately, he did not advance things any further and when I heard a car turn into the driveway, I knew my mother had returned from her therapy and I made a hasty retreat to my own room. Later that night I masturbated furiously and I can only imagine that my step-dad did as well. There afterwards, he seemed to avoid me, or rather to avoid opportunities for us to be together alone....One other time, I put on a very sheer nightgown and paraded in front of him sure that he could see my fully naked body with the light between us there in the den, but he pretended not to react.

But that was all that happened. Within three months he and my mother split after a very angry exchange over money...I was sorry he left but gradually replaced my adolescent desires for him with worries about my mother...Those were to no avail, as she finally was successful with suicide my last year of high school. I entered therapy soon afterward and revealed much of my guilty feelings about those feelings for my step-dad during my sessions with my counselor....Although she kept prompting me to make an accusation of sexual abuse against him, I never did, and to this day, I am unsure how to characterize what happened between us....

Not long after my mom's death, he wrote me a long letter in which he apologized that he had not been the man my mother needed and for any hurt that had caused me. Who knows what to make of that. I certainly have no feelings for him today and I understand that he has since married and is very happy.

I am a grown woman now, 28, sexually active, and not at all ambivalent about those experiences....They remain very pleasant memories for me, and when I masturbate these days (which happens about three to four times a week), I replay those scenes and others I have invented in my mind. I even paused at one point writing this to masturbate while I read back through my remarks. I sometimes worry that I have warped this part of my sexual being but for now enjoy it without regrets.

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