The Sin Of Bieng Fat

Fat Girl

My name is Alice. I'm 5'4 and 150 pounds. Nobody's idea of skinny. But I use to be around 220 pounds. I don't believe most people could ever understand, unless they've been obese themselves, what it does to a persons sex and sexuality.

I remember back in high school, feeling like a pig, watching all the guys chase after the thin girls. Meanwhile I couldn't have gotten hit on by guys if I was naked and covered in hundred dollar bills. If I was asked out it was usually, okay almost always, followed by a large round of laughter as the guy enjoyed his "little joke" with his cronies. During senior year I started to have deep feelings for a guy for the first time...Only to discover he was only being nice to me to win a bet. I was crushed.

I didn't feel like a real girl sexually. I felt like a pale imitation of one. Just something there for everybody's amusement. I feared that, if a guy ever did have sex with me I'd be so repulsive to him he wouldn't even be able to keep it up. Or that he do the whole thing half heartedly because he wasn't really aroused. I hated myself. I hated men. And I hated the thin girls who could have them when I couldn't. We live in a world that worships the thin woman. A world where people don't even want to look you in the eyes if your fat. In the eyes of the thin nation, you've committed the ultimate sin. The sin of being fat.

I wish I could say I feel better about myself since losing the weight. But, sadly, I do not. Changing the body doesn't really change the mind. You can lose all the weight you want. But you won't lose the memory of being fat. After everything that's happened, I've developed an intense fear of men. I'm scared of them. They were so cold and so fast to reject me before. I'm afraid of it again.. The last time I was in the video store and saw an attractive man I walked to the opposite side of the room just to avoid him.

You can take the fat out of the fat girl. But you can't take the girl out of the "fat girl."

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