You know what I do-I masturbate

I am 21 now. I am one of those girls that discovered it felt good to touch when I was pretty young. I am a very sexual person, and I had parents that would have died if they knew what was going on as I got older. I knew from the very beginning all my curiosities had to be a secret.

I am an only child, and my parents were very protective of me. From early on I was never allowed to be careless with my nakedness. Even when no one else was around my Mom was always careful to make sure I had panties and a robe on when I left the bath or my room. I couldn't run around in just my panties. I had to be fully dressed. I was always trained to be modest and careful. I remember my Mom saying to me casually on occasions, "We don't pay attention to our bodies. We cover them up." All I can guess is that this training made me curious about my body, because I was.

I remember as a little girl closing my bedroom door and being naked when I thought I was safe and looking at myself in the mirror. There was a strange fascination there and it made me feel strangely good to indulge like this. I remember times just standing there and looking down at myself between my legs. I had this feeling that I shouldn't look at it too long, and I would feel naughty for looking longer than I felt I should, and it gave me funny feelings inside. I liked the feeling I got. They made me feel shivery and warm.

I remember one time in particular that I let myself get down on the carpet and I opened my legs in front of the mirror. It was a full length mirror of course. Maybe this sounds stupid, but I made myself look for several long moments. I would do things like that and force myself to do it longer than I felt comfortable, or longer than I felt I should. I sat there for several long moments refusing to close my legs, and I made myself look at my body. But then I jumped up and felt guilty all day long for being that rude. I thought there was something wrong with me.

I also had a re-occurring dream where I would be in church and it would be real hot and I would complain about the heat, and my Mom would take all my clothes off there between the pews and I would be naked in church. Now think that one through! What kind of psychological connection are there in that? I think my early curiosities and their forbiddance was connected to it being wrong in relation to the church and God, and somehow my little mind found an escape in that dream. I don't know. All I know is that I had strong curiosities very young.

I don't remember how I got interested in touching. I just have early memories of being in the tub and stealing opportunities when I was alone to raise myself up so that I could let water hit me between my legs. I remember this rubber duck that had a hole in the bottom where the squeaker used to be, and I would suck it full of water, then raise myself up and let the stream of water hit me right in the "naughty place" as I squeezed the duck. I always had a scared, racy, naughty feeling that I remember when doing things like this. I also remember washing myself with a wash cloth and spending longer than I needed washing myself while listening for Mom to approach. I was quick to look very normal when I heard her approach, but the feelings and sensations always drew me, even from quite young.

I also remember a time; and I can't for the life of me remember where it was, but I remember being in a dark place like maybe in bed somewhere, and I remember being very aware of my fingers touching the soft lips of my pussy and feeling the fold in the middle, and I remember my heart pounding wildly and how I felt. But that is all I remember. I don't remember touching deeply or masturbating per se. Just touching. I don't think I tried to do much more than just touch, but I think maybe that was my first time for touching. I would guess I was seven or eight. I really don't remember.

What I do remember is when I was eleven we went on a church camp out. For some reason I was allowed to stay with two other girls in their tent by ourselves. That was kind of rare since I was nearly always expected to stay with my parents. I remember I was eleven because I had a birthday party up there with the group with a cake my Mom had brought and all. In the tent together after going to bed, we stayed awake whispering quietly about things, and one of the girls asked if we ever though about naked stuff. Instantly the whispering turned to things of sexual curiosity, and for the first time in my life I discovered that both of these girls liked to think about the same things I did. That was a real eye opener for me. Till then, I thought something was wrong with me and that I was the only one.

That night, I watched one of the girls pull down her pajamas and her panties and play with herself in front of us. The light of the camp fire was making enough light that we could barely see, and she laid back and just plain fingered herself until I saw my first orgasm. I will never forget the sight of that as long as I live. I remember very clearly how she kept playing as I stared at her busy fingers and watching her. I remember her breathing, and how she suddenly tensed up and began to shake, and how when she did that the other girl who had raised up beside her and was stroking her hair suddenly leaned down and began kissing her face as the other girl struggled with her orgasm. Then, in an instant the second girl reached down and began playing with the first girl's pussy as she leaned down and kissed her on the lips for a long time. I didn't have a clue what was going on. I was scared of getting caught, but I couldn't look away. I felt deeply shivery all over, and my heart was pounding out of my chest. I remember it like it was yesterday. All I know is that something very special happened because of the way both girls reacted to it. They kept kissing each other and breathing heavily and touching, and I was breathlessly trying to watch while at the same time make sure no one was coming.

I watched both girls do it two other times that weekend. They told me I could do it, too, but I only watched. I was too scared to participate. But I most certainly watched. They did it to themselves and they touched each other, and I saw about four or five orgasms that weekend between the two of them.

After that when I was alone in my bed, I tried doing what I had seen and it was just plain wondrous. I couldn't believe how good it felt. Now I understood all that was going on. And to this day I have a deep interest in girls. I am attracted to guys as well, but I love the bodies and the play of girls. For a long time I was thrilled by the masturbation. It is all I had. But I also felt like I was condemned to hell. That is a hard place to be. More than once I tried to make myself stop, but I couldn't. Things only got worse in that way.

From twelve on I masturbated constantly. I began to have fantasies where being naked was ok in places where it isn't normally, like on the beach, or around our house where others could see me. For some reason I began to have fantasies of being naked and my Dad seeing me. I don't understand it, but that really got me. I don't think I would like it in real. I know I wouldn't. I don't like my Dad basically. But I had these feelings of him seeing me and not being able to do anything about it. Or I would have dreams in my head about undressing in front of a window that had no drapes. I have this huge thing about being seen naked.

I also began to let myself masturbate in places where it was risky, like in the living room when it was dark watching a movie with my parents, or in the car while traveling. I remember one Christmas Eve we were watching a Christmas movie and the lights of the tree were on and it was dark otherwise, and I was under a blanket in the easy chair with my parents were on the couch, and I made myself cum sitting there looking at the movie and then desperately trying not to move so as not to be noticed while my body sucked for air. I enjoy doing it in places where I have to stifle the orgasm so I won't be caught. I absolutely love daring.

Then there was the time where I had an experience with a younger boy cousin of mine. He was four years younger than me, and it just kind of happened. I don't remember how it came up, but we were in an old abandoned house that was all overgrown close to where they lived. We were exploring, and somehow the topic came up of taking clothes off. I ended up agreeing to take my clothes off if he would, and we both did. That was a very powerful experience for me, because it became obvious that my body had a very big affect on him.

He couldn't take his eyes off of me, and I noticed that big time! His excitement and pleasure was so obvious. I felt very strange and awesome being naked like that in front of him. For the first time I think I began to get a sense of what my body could do to someone. I couldn't help but notice the wonder in his eyes, and it thrilled me. I was the object of his complete attention. That feeling was new to me, and I liked it a lot. From that day on; even though it never happened again, I masturbate to the memories. I love them. I love remembering how his naked body looked and how he looked at me.

I love to think of this. When I was taking his clothes off of him (I had already taken my clothes off and he had agreed to join me); when he still only had his shorts left, his little penis was pushing the material straight out. I remember that when taking the his shorts down the elastic pulled his penis down hard till it sprang out and stood out straight and hard. I finally had him completely naked with me and I had a very powerful feeling come over me. I can still see it like it was yesterday how his body looked all naked, with his penis moving up and down slightly from his heart beat. Funny thing: I remember putting my two hands up on his chest to feel his heart beat while looking down at his penis move.

He let me touch it, and I let him touch me, and I mean that freaking day was just the coolest ever. It was my first time with a guy. I remember just taking him in, and I knew he was drinking me in. Taking all my clothes off in front of him was exhilarating and amazing to me. I ended up playing with myself very openly and cumming in front of him and then explaining to him what was happening. I also had him touch himself with me. I helped his hand, and then laid back and pleasured myself as we watched each other. I saw him have his first orgasm. I taught him. These are my most favorite memories. For once in my life it was like everything was completely open and unashamed. I am not sure why it never happened again.

Then, when I was in seventh grade, I made friends with two girls. Between that experience with my cousin and getting to know these two girls a couple of years later, nothing happened with me except private masturbation. But when I met these two girls, we began to talk about sexual things, and I was still so shy and private about it that I played dumb kind of. But they were both rather open and they drew me into their interest. In our talk and actions, I finally realized that they were interested in girls also. They would notice another girl and make desirous comments under their breath about her. I soon became a little more comfortable showing my interests with them. Then finally; and I don't really remember exactly how this came up, we decided that it would be fun to make a sex pact with ourselves. When we took tests, the one that got the highest score would get to be the leader and have the other two of us do what they wanted. You can figure out where that went. We eventually began to have rather open sex between us when we could. The amazing thing is, my parents never suspected that things could happen between girls, especially their girl!! It lasted till our eighth grad year when they both moved away. I still miss them deeply.

I have been naked with them in the woods, when we took our clothes off and then dared each other to see how far we dared to walk away from our clothes. We have laid on a blanket in the middle of a grassy field of tall grass and enjoyed open and shameless masturbation and each other's bodies in the warm sun. I have stripped naked with them for a passing freight train, and seen the train engineer lean way out of his window and yell in appreciation. One of the girl's name is Alex, and we all agreed to give her little brother a visual birthday gift. We all took our clothes off in front of him. No sex. No masturbation. No touching. Just three naked girls promising to stay naked for a whole thirty minutes. HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!! It was fun. He wanted to take his clothes off in the worst kind of way, but we wouldn't let him. I have often wondered what she and her brother did when they were alone. She always said nothing ever happened.

Believe it or not, it wasn't until I was maybe fifteen that my Mom first tried to tell me about anything sexual. She bought a couple of books and told me if I had any questions, I could ask. I was never allowed to be too close to guys, but by then I was already having oral sex with girls they never suspected. My Mom actually took me out to eat one time for a "girls night out", and she used that time to talk to me about sexual stuff. It came up that night about touching one's self, and she told me that it was not clean or right, and that I needed above all else to keep myself pure from such things. I didn't say much. She just talked. She would die if she knew. I played "dumb" and innocent. The older I got, the more "concerned" she became that I remain pure. She would often ask, "Honey, is everything ok?" For some reason that is the question that came to be understood as making sure I was still pure. The appropriate answer was , "Mom, everything is great. I am fine."

I wasn't allowed to date alone until I moved away from home, which was when I was nineteen. I could date then only because I was far enough away they couldn't stop me. That was two years ago.

Not long ago I dared to consider a job as a stripper. It has always been a fantasy. I am finally out on my own and I wanted to try living and experience life my way for once. I don't know why I am so drawn to this stuff, but I am. The thought of it and going in and actually applying was very exciting. I was asked to strip naked for the guy that interviewed me. We were in his office, and I could hear the music through the walls and his office door was wide open with people walking by. For some reason the thought of taking my clothes off for the interview had not occurred to me. I did as I was told, but I think it was too much for me. It caught me off guard. I didn't know what I was feeling. Nervous for sure!! But I could hardly breath when I was taking my clothes off in front of him. I felt like I was going to faint. He seemed to understand and told me many girls were nervous at first. He gave me the job, but when I got outside, I threw up. I felt really stupid.

I never went back, but I met a guy that I liked and I decided to give away my virginity to him. It was a stupid thing to do. He didn't really care, and it wasn't that cool. I felt terribly guilty afterwards, and I find that I am more attracted to girls than I am guys even though guys still turn me on sometimes. I just have a hard time relating to them because I just remember my Dad and how he controlled everything and my Mom and me and guys push so hard sometimes. I don't like it.

You know what I do? I masturbate. All of the time. I love my body. I dress sexually and go to town. I wear sun dresses with nothing underneath and let people see me sometimes: Shoe salesmen maybe, or a teen age kid at Taco Bell. I wait till he or she is looking and then part my legs carelessly getting up to get something. I stand in the mall entrance at times in nothing but a thin sun dress knowing that the Sun is shining right through the material. I have seen that before with other women and it excites the heck out of me!! I started doing it myself. It is best when I know someone is noticing.

I sometimes undress in front of my windows, and then go to bed and frig my body silly. My favorite fantasy is the memories with my cousin. I taught him about girls and about himself. I watched his first orgasm. I saw into the eyes of a boy having his first orgasm. I saw the whole thing. I enjoyed his awe with him; his discovery, his amazement. I remember my own discoveries and play: I slowly play. Just me and my fingers and my thoughts. There is nothing better.

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