Vaginal Intercourse:Are Our Lofty Expectations for this Sexual Activity Realistic?

Are Our Lofty Expectations for this Sexual Activity Realistic?

In Search of Nirvana

We are led to believe that if a heterosexual couple engages in vaginal intercourse they will discover nirvana, the ultimate in sexual fulfillment. Intercourse is said to be the absolute best sexual experience. It is after all what defines sex. It is "sex." We expect to experience intense sexual pleasure and an emotional connection with our partner during or as a result of this activity. The physical joining of our bodies should result in the merging of our spirits. While this is certainly possible, it is just as likely to occur during other activities. The rewards vaginal intercourse has to offer are no more or less than those possible when holding hands, kissing, giving a massage, and during mutual masturbation, outercourse, and oral sex. The physical simply cannot guarantee the spiritual. Intercourse should never be considered the ultimate sexual experience, but rather all sexual activities should be seen as potentially equally rewarding. The reason they are "potentially" equal is one must take into consideration the uniqueness of the individuals involved.

doggy-styleStriving for Adulthood

Young adults often feel pressured into engaging in vaginal intercourse to demonstrate they have achieved adulthood. We have "sex" to prove we are men and women, that we are no longer children. We keep having sex because that is what adults do. This is what society tells and expects of us, as adults. On a personal level, we may come to realize after having intercourse for the first time that nothing has changed. We may not feel differently about our partner or ourselves. We may be left wondering what the big deal was. Participating in intercourse for the first time at the age of twenty or thirty may not cause us to feel anymore "adult" than if we had done so at the age of twelve. Intercourse may not fulfill our lofty expectations. Couples should not engage in intercourse for the sole reason of achieving or demonstrating adulthood, as it is unlikely to fulfill their expectations.

As many adults discover, adulthood is something we are always striving to achieve but find is always just out of reach. We may engage in sex with a partner, graduate from school, vote, serve in the military, start a career, marry, have children, and buy a home, and in the case of women, start wearing a bra and menstruating, but find these events leave us wanting more. Adulthood is achieved not so much by what we do but by how others judge us. Unfortunately, in our modern society seldom does anyone ever tell us when we have achieved adulthood. We are left forever in a state of perpetual limbo, clearly no longer a child but not quite an adult either.

Adulthood is a social status that no physical accomplishment can guarantee without social recognition of that event. Many cultures have public ceremonies to provide a clear demarcation between childhood and adulthood, so a person is not left wondering when they have achieved adulthood. It should be noted that the concept of "adolescence" came into existence only recently in western culture, and leaves young people in limbo for ever increasing amounts of time. When loss of virginity was closely linked with a public marriage ceremony it was a clear indicator of passage into adulthood, and usually took place when couples were in their early to mid teens. Since a person may have partnered sex for the first time at any stage of their life, it is no longer a clear indicator of adulthood in today's society. Since we all live such varied lives there is no common indicator of adulthood that applies to everyone.

Unrealistic Expectations

Vaginal intercourse is one aspect of female sexuality that has a lot of misinformation and confusion surrounding it. There is a common expectation that women should experience orgasm without difficulty during intercourse. Many women believe that in order for them to be a good sexual partner they should. Women frequently believe there is something wrong with them because everything they have been told supports this believe. The media leads us to believe a woman should be squealing with delight and multi-orgasmic the moment a penis enters her vagina. This results in women faking pleasure and orgasm so as to save face in front of their partner, to appear normal, mature, and to make their partner feel good about themselves. This takes an enormous emotional toll on women. As a result, sex becomes something many women avoid rather than looking forward to, understandably. The same expectations and consequences apply equally to men.

Freud Led Many Astray

Thanks to Freud and others, many people have been led to believe "mature women" have vaginal orgasms and "immature girls" have clitoral orgasms. We are told girls may masturbate but women should only desire and enjoy vaginal intercourse. This simply is not a reasonable expectation, as the clitoris is most often a woman's primary erogenous zone, as a result of having the greatest density of nerve endings. The vagina does not have this high concentration of nerve endings and is usually less sensitive to stimulation. Anatomy, not sexual maturity, dictates that the majority of women require clitoral stimulation if they are too experience orgasm. It is my understanding that prior to Freud everyone knew the clitoris was most often the center of female sexual pleasure. Freud basically made up his theories, and they were never proven to be true.

Vaginal Orgasm

The presence of a female prostate gland, commonly known as the G-Spot, lends support to the idea that clitoral and vaginal orgasms are uniquely different types of orgasms. Not only may the stimulation feel different, so may the resulting orgasm. Some women experience both while others experience one but not the other. A person should not take the position that women must experience both, or that one is better than the other. Women that experience both, or one or the other, are not automatically happier or more satisfied lovers. At present, I would say clitoral orgasms are the most common experience, as mentioned on the page about vaginal orgasms. We are just now learning about and accepting what some women have always known, that is the existence and role of the female prostate gland in female sexual pleasure. Many women have prevented vaginal orgasms from occurring, as there is often a sensation much like the urge to urinate just prior to experiencing them, and many need to unlearn this response.

No Easy Answers

Unfortunately, the truth concerning vaginal intercourse can be very confusing. There are women who are very orgasmic during vaginal intercourse and love experiencing it. Another group of women find it boring and devoid of any pleasurable sensations at all. A third and perhaps larger group of women falls in between, they enjoy vaginal intercourse to varying degrees but are unable to experience orgasm as the result of vaginal stimulation alone, or do so infrequently. Many women discover intercourse feels "nice" but not "wonderful." Regardless of how a woman experiences vaginal intercourse she is perfectly normal, whatever that is.

Trial and Error

The only way for a woman to find out how her mind and body respond to vaginal intercourse is through experimentation and practice. There is no way to predict if a woman will be orgasmic as the result of vaginal stimulation alone, and this will likely change over time and with different partners and techniques. Factors like the shape and size of their partner's penis, the amount of vaginal lubrication, the strength of a woman's pelvic muscles, the presence or absence of a G-Spot, and the level of emotional involvement can all influence how enjoyable intercourse is. A woman's potential for enjoying intercourse is therefore not etched in stone. As a woman's emotional and physical states change, so do her sexual capabilities and desires. Couples should be open to the idea that penile-vaginal intercourse does NOT have a place in their sexual experiences together, for them intercourse is more a reproductive than sexual act.

Vaginal Sensitivity

The reason why women experience vaginal intercourse differently is partly the result of varying degrees of vaginal sensitivity. The vagina's sensitivity to different types of stimulation, touch, friction, and pressure, varies from woman to woman. The sensitivity of an individual woman's vagina varies as well. The inner two-thirds of the vagina is usually less sensitive to touch and friction than the outer third, and is most often sensitive to only pressure. Sensitivity also changes over time, as hormone levels change during the menstrual cycle, pregnancy, and with the use of prescription medications, including birth control. The type of stimulation an individual woman enjoys varies as a result. She may prefer the friction of fingers caressing her vaginal walls, a deep thrusting penis, the fullness of a large dildo, or other forms of vaginal stimulation. Since a woman has no control over the sensitivity of her vagina, and the type of stimulation she is most sensitive to, she and her partner should not fault her if her vagina is totally insensitive, or is sensitive to a form of stimulation other than penile, she is hardly alone.

Additional Anatomical Factors

While many have assumed the size and placement of the clitoris and inner labia influence a woman's orgasmic potential during intercourse, no correlation between these factors has been found to exist. A woman with a very small clitoris is just as likely or unlikely to experience orgasm during intercourse, and other forms of sexual activity, as a woman with a large clitoris. The distance between the clitoris and vaginal opening also does not influence a woman's orgasmic potential, though some misguided doctors have used surgery to shorten this distance; causing disastrous results not understanding the complexity of the vulvar anatomy. Others have assumed the clitoris should be sufficiently stimulated by the movement of the inner labia, this movement being caused by the thrusting penis. Since the size and shape of the inner labia, if a woman has inner labia, vary considerably from one woman to the next this could not possibly be true of all women. The inner labia may not even be in contact with the penis during intercourse, as they are typically located nearer the clitoris than the vagina. When indirect forms of stimulation do occur they are seldom in sufficient intensity or duration to result in orgasm. It is even possible that "vaginal orgasms" result from G-Spot stimulation rather than clitoral stimulation, meaning the clitoris and labia do not play a part in these orgasms.

Disassociation

Another factor that affects vaginal sensitivity is disassociation, the absence of a conscious connection between the vagina, or clitoris and vulva, and the brain. Social believes and expectations usually do not permit young girls and teens to explore and stimulate their vulva and vagina, and they may be reprimanded or punished when they do. Instead, they are taught to ignore, deny, or otherwise be unaware of these sensations, as if they did not exist at all. Since these are "bad places" only "bad sensations" can come from them, so they do their best to block them out. As a result of not touching and stimulating these areas the brain and body do not learn how to transmit and interpret nerve impulses from them. This greatly impairs a woman's ability to experience sexual pleasure.

A woman or her partner may touch and stimulate her vulva and vagina yet she feels nothing, because her brain does not know how to process this form of stimulation. If the nerve impulses are weak, because the nerve pathways are undeveloped from lack of use, they may feel little or nothing. If the nerve impulses are strong, they may feel pain rather than pleasure, because the sensations are beyond the limits of what the brain expects and can handle. The sensations they experience may not be pleasurable or erotic, but rather associated with something bad, which means they can't be good or pleasurable sensations. They in turn learn to avoid partnered sex, or participate in the activity only because they are expected to, believing everyone else enjoys it.

Interfering with or preventing sexual development can have major repercussions on a woman's sexual pleasure. The way to overcome this is through exploration and stimulation. By stimulating these areas while looking at them in a mirror and concentrating on the point being touched, a woman may learn how to connect with and be more aware of, and sensitive to, vulvar and vaginal stimulation. This is best done when alone in a quiet room with no distractions. The use of a dildo may be appropriate for vaginal stimulation, though the feedback provided by the fingers would be beneficial. The formation of this connection is unlikely to occur during a single fifteen-minute session. The key is frequent stimulation, five to fifteen minutes each day, and perseverance. Something to keep in mind is, as a five-year-old there would be no time limits or expectations placed on these exploration sessions. Any discoveries would be a total surprise. This means a woman should set no limits or expectations and simply be open to whatever happens.

The Role of Emotions

Our emotional state can significantly influence our physical pleasure. Our brain can cause a state of intense physical arousal, which alters our physical experience. This is particularly true when there is considerable emotional evolvement, as when having sex with a new partner, a person we love deeply, or a person we find extremely sexually attractive. This may also occur during puberty, when hormone levels are high and on a hair trigger. Chemicals released by the body when we are very excited in turn stimulate the brain causing a state of euphoria. We experience a "natural high." Not only do we feel wonderful as a result, we are also capable of experiencing increased levels of pleasure. The physical and emotional pleasure we experience can continue to intensify the longer we have sex, ending only when we must stop because of physical exhaustion.

There are women who experience orgasm during vaginal intercourse because their brain finds the activity extremely stimulating. Their thoughts are more the cause of orgasm than the physical stimulation. The idea of what they are doing or whom they are doing it with, more than the physical act, triggers orgasm. This is not meant to suggest or imply the pleasure many women experience during vaginal intercourse is all in their head, it's not. It simply means the brain can have a significant influence over whether a woman experiences pleasure and orgasm during vaginal intercourse, and sex in general.

Arousal and orgasm does occur in the absence of physical stimulation. Many if not most women experience sexual arousal and orgasm while dreaming about sex at night, a wet dream, and during their daily activities. During sexual dreams sexual arousal is a common occurrence, but I do not believe this is the case for orgasm, for the majority of women. Most cannot will themselves to have an orgasm, it is not often that simple. For most, pleasure and orgasm result from equal parts of mental and physical stimulation.


Clitoral Stimulation

It is the popular consensus today that the majority of women must have their clitoris directly stimulated during vaginal intercourse if they are to have a reliable chance at experiencing orgasm. If a woman's clitoris happens to rub against her partner's body during intercourse the resulting stimulation is not usually sufficient in intensity or duration for orgasm to occur, unless a special effort is made to maintain this stimulation. If clitoral stimulation is left to chance, orgasm is much less likely. If a woman or her partner does not directly stimulate her clitoris she is much less likely to experience orgasm. According to a survey on this website, the average rate of orgasm increases from 37% to 60% during intercourse when additional clitoral stimulation is provided. The best means of doing so is by caressing and massaging the clitoris with hands and fingers, or a vibrator. Because of the position of our body's during intercourse, it is often easier for a woman to caress her clitoris than it is for her partner, and she is usually more proficient at it. This is in part why masturbation is so important to women and couples, as it extremely beneficial for a woman to know how to stimulate herself to orgasm.

The sexual positions that permit direct clitoral stimulation during intercourse are those in which a woman is on top, or where her partner is behind or beside her. While women may enjoy feeling the weight of their partner on them in the missionary position, this position is not very conducive to orgasm, as their clitoris is not easily accessible. When a woman is on top, she can reach down and stimulate her clitoris as she slowly rocks her hips, thrusting is not necessary. She can in turn use her pelvic muscles to grasp and stimulate her partner's penis. If a woman is obviously enjoying the activity it is more likely to be enjoyable for her partner. A woman can bring herself to orgasm, then her partner, if they both so desire. The expectation that a couple's orgasms occur at the same time is more likely to impair rather than enhance sexual pleasure and fulfillment.

When Clitoral Stimulation
is Not Appropriate


While clitoral stimulation is often desired and required there are women who find it uncomfortable or even painful. This discomfort and pain may occur if a woman is not sufficiently aroused, possibly as a result of being nervous or feeling vulnerable. If this should occur, she is not likely to be adequately lubricated resulting in too much friction and an absence of the necessary chemical messengers that make orgasm possible. Many things can irritate the delicate clitoris, as mentioned in the articles about hygiene and vaginitis. If a woman has clitoral adhesions, her clitoris may be irritated by trapped smegma. It is also possible for a yeast infection to involve the clitoris but not the vagina. If any of these should occur, a woman's clitoris is likely to be very sensitive, too sensitive in fact, to sexual stimulation, or in the case of adhesions, hidden from stimulation.

There are women who have a clitoral glans that is always exquisitely sensitive, meaning it cannot be directly stimulated without causing pain. When this occurs, they cannot tolerate any clitoral stimulation, or only indirect stimulation by means of massaging the clitoral hood, outer labia, or lower pubic mound. Some even have to rely on the gentleness and familiarity of their own touch. A woman may require the use of generous amounts of lubrication, in the form of natural and water or silicone based sexual lubricants. If a woman does not desire or cannot tolerate clitoral stimulation she needs to clearly communicate this to her partner, and when possible explain why. Her partner should be accepting of her needs and wishes. Couples should try to discover the cause of this extreme sensitivity and a solution rather than dismissing clitoral stimulation completely, especially if a woman is not orgasmic through other forms of stimulation.

Orgasm Not Required

An orgasm is only enjoyable if a woman desires to have one, and it is certainly acceptable for her not to. Keep in mind orgasm is simply one form of pleasure, nor necessarily the best. It is certainly possible for vaginal stimulation to be very enjoyable for a woman in the absence of orgasm. Even if vaginal intercourse is not an orgasmic experience for her, she may enjoy and look forward to it because of the emotional bond between her and her partner. She enjoys the closeness and intimacy of the sexual act, more so than the physical sensations she experiences. There are also women who are happy if her partner experiences pleasure and orgasm, even if they do not. They enjoy giving their partner pleasure, not just receiving it, and receive emotional pleasure in return. This too is certainly acceptable, if not done to extreme, as at some point a woman must demand that it is her turn, for pleasure not necessarily orgasm.

Note: Men too should not see their own orgasm as a requirement of intercourse and sex as men fake orgasm too.

Intercourse, or any sexual activity for that matter, may not be an appropriate activity for a couple if one partner does not enjoy it physically and/or emotionally and the other is uncomfortable knowing this. Men and women are usually very uncomfortable using or being used as a masturbation aid, at least when it occurs regularly or all the time. Even so, social and partner expectations may cause persons who do not enjoy certain sexual activities to withhold this fact from their partner, trying to live up to those false expectations. What they do not realize is, they are presuming their partner enjoys the activity, which certainly may not be the case. Couples end up going through the motions of sex even though neither partner finds what they are doing enjoyable, resulting in both losing interest. In addition, sex cannot be fulfilling if you cannot be honest with and accepting of your partner, unless of course you are totally self centered.

Body Position

Body position during vaginal intercourse can have a major impact on the amount of pleasure a woman experiences, as well as her partner. A change in position may result in a woman going from feeling nothing at all to being orgasmic. The reason being, the entire vagina is not equally sensitive to stimulation, and as a result the angle and depth of penetration can determine whether a woman experiences intercourse as being pleasurable, as can the size and shape of her partner's penis. The location of a woman's area of vaginal sensitivity, if she has one, will determine the positions she finds most enjoyable. In addition, the amount of clitoral stimulation a woman experiences will also be dependent on body position. While couples do not need to be acrobats, exploration of different sexual positions is recommended if the missionary or other common positions don't work for you.

If a woman has a G-Spot, she may enjoy intercourse the most when her partner's penis presses into or rubs against it, which is more likely to occur when they are penetrating her from behind, or when she is on top controlling the angle of entry. Some women find anal intercourse stimulates their G-Spot and they ejaculate during this activity, but not necessarily during vaginal intercourse.

It should be noted that our bodies are designed to have intercourse when a woman is bent at the waist and her partner penetrates her from behind, the "doggy" position. This is the "normal" or "natural" position, not the missionary as is commonly accepted. It is my understanding that this is the position used by couples in many tribal and non-industrialized societies. Unfortunately, some have proposed only "animals" have sex in this position in an attempt to raise humans above other creatures, which has resulted in other positions not only receiving unpopular press, but also persons of different cultures. Do not allow false social believes and expectations to restrict your pleasure.

Rhythm

Couples may want to consider experimenting to see if rhythm plays a part in a woman's enjoyment of intercourse. A woman may prefer long fast strokes, short fast strokes, long slow strokes, or short slow strokes. She may enjoy any combination of these. What a woman enjoys may vary depending on her level of sexual arousal, her nearness to orgasm. She may want it long and slow at first to allow arousal to build but then a steady fast pace when she nears orgasm. Experimentation and practice is the key to learning what works best. Do not forget, what worked yesterday may not work today or tomorrow.

Skill and Stamina

Being an active participant during intercourse requires skill and stamina. Young men quickly learn this when their penis keeps slipping out, they get sweaty, their muscles start to ache, and they tire quickly. This is something women are sometimes very surprised to learn when they get on top or explore using a dildo in a harness. It may look easy in movies but intercourse is a very physically demanding activity, especially if one tries to do it for any length of time. The old in out is not as easy as it looks. The only way to learn how to do it correctly is through practice and patience. A sense of humor is essential during sex and intercourse, as you will undoubtedly have funny and potentially embarrassing things occur, like slipping out and not being able to get it back in by yourself. Sex is never as easy as it looks in the movies where all the mistakes are edited out.

A Penis is Not Always Best

A woman may enjoy having her vagina stimulated by her partner's fingers, hand, vibrators, dildos, etc., but find penile stimulation is not at all pleasurable. There may exist within the vagina only a small area that is sensitive to stimulation, and as a result a penis attached to a man may not be the best tool to use if a person seeks to stimulate this area. By exploring other forms of stimulation a woman is able to take advantage of these potential areas of sensitivity. The size, shape, and texture of the object inserted can be chosen so as to provide the appropriate stimulation. Men should not take it as an indication of personal failure when their partner prefers a dildo or other objects to their penis for vaginal stimulation. Hopefully, men are primarily concerned with their partner's pleasure, not by how it is obtained. A couple may also need to adapt to the unique needs of the male partner.

Lesbians and Vaginal Penetration


One misconception surrounding vaginal intercourse involves lesbians. We often assume lesbian couples do not engage in vaginal intercourse and penetration. We are more likely to envision them hugging and kissing than having "sex." Within some segments of the lesbian community vaginal stimulation is taboo, as it is too closely associated with men and penises. While many lesbian couples do not engage in vaginal penetration or intercourse, a significant number do. The reason they do is quite simply because they enjoy it, it feels good. They are not pretending to be a man and woman, though sometimes they engage in role-playing. They are naturally using all the body parts at their disposal to experience sexual pleasure. Dildos, alone and in a harness, just happen to be an enjoyable and proficient way of stimulating the vagina. Wearing a dildo in a harness is pleasurable for some women, as having a "penis" and penetrating their partner gives them a sense of power and control; this applies to heterosexual as well as lesbian women. Vaginal stimulation is potentially enjoyable for all women, regardless of their sexual orientation.

While we may assume there is a difference between what lesbian and heterosexual women do sexually, this is not true. They potentially have the same interests, needs, and desires and engage in the same activities as a result. Every type of sexual activity heterosexual women engage in, lesbian women engage in as well, and vise versa. The fact that the vast majority of women, lesbian, bisexual, and heterosexual, are raised in heterosexual families and communities results in the same role models and sexual expectations, not to mention the same anatomy and sexual diversity. The anatomy of a woman's partner does not affect her wants and needs. Society, social groups, and women themselves should be careful not to restrict what women can do with their partner based on their sexual orientation or their partner's anatomy.

Learning from Lesbians

Something men and their female partners can learn from lesbians is the use of fingers and hands to stimulate a woman's vagina. Lesbians do not have a organic penis so they often rely on their flexible and sensitive fingers and hands to stimulate the vagina in ways no penis ever could. They use their fingers not just to thrust in and out, but also to slowly explore every detail. They caress the vaginal walls and awaken hidden nerve endings. They may seek out and explore her G-spot or slowly stretch and fill the vagina with their entire hand. For some women, a single finger is all they need and desire, so discuss things prior to getting too carried away. Use plenty of lubrication, trim and file your fingernails, and perhaps use Nitrile, vinyl, or latex surgical gloves. A woman's partner may actually feel closer to her when they use their hands instead of their penis to give her pleasure, as they can observe her pleasure with greater ease and are less distracted by their own body and desires.

The Pressures Placed on Men

A penis is made of flesh and blood and our expectations of it are seldom realistic. We must not forget there is a living breathing man attached to that penis. In the rush to fulfill women's sexual needs we may expect too much from men and their penises. This is not meant to suggest men are inferior to women, it is just that a penis functions only as well as a clitoris. We place enormous pressure on men by expecting them to achieve and maintain an erection while delaying ejaculation for extended periods of time. From an evolutionary and reproductive perspective this probably is not a realistic expectation.

When men fail to achieve these unrealistic goals we not only deal them an emotional blow but, also take away their pleasure in the process by causing them to feel guilty. We do not allow them to enjoy their orgasms if they occur prior to their partner's. Fear of failure is causing teenagers and men to be unable to achieve an erection, or their erection quickly diminishes, when they attempt intercourse. They may be so nervous and agitated they ejaculate quickly. As a result, men are becoming the ones with the "headache." This is why Viagra is in such demand, even by those who are not impotent.

Note: By learning and using Kegel exercises, men may voluntarily learn better control over their erections and orgasms, increasing not only their own pleasure, but also their partner's. While not a reliable means of birth control, not ejaculating may have its benefits, on occasion.

Women often judge themselves based on the performance of their partner's penis, causing themselves undo feelings of failure. A woman is led to believe that if her partner finds her attractive and desirable his penis will automatically be erect when they desire intercourse, and even when they do not. While some may see their partner as over-sexed, they also expect frequent erections to demonstrate how desirable they are. When a woman's partner does not experience an erection, she often feels at fault. If women are looking to their partner's penis for validation they simply will not find it.

While a woman may see her partner's inability to achieve an erection as a personal failure, she may project these feelings onto her partner. She does not want to feel at fault so she blames and perhaps belittles them. While she may say it is not a reason for concern, her expressions and actions may state otherwise. Because we seldom want to look inward, blaming others is much easer to do, and is perhaps a self-protection mechanism. A woman may reject her partner rather than addressing her own feelings of failure. This is very harmful to women, and their relationships with men.

Vibrators

Many couples have found placing a vibrator on or near a woman's clitoris during intercourse increases the likelihood of orgasm, yet placing a vibrator directly against a woman's clitoris may not be necessary or desired. Placing one against the pubic mound or outer labia often results in sufficient clitoral stimulation for orgasm to occur without the need for direct clitoral stimulation, as the vibrations pass through the tissues to the clitoris. A wand shaped vibrator like the Hitachi Magic Wand is one possible choice. Rechargeable vibrators may be more convenient as there is no power cord to get in the way. The small but powerful battery powered Pocket Rocket works very well, and is mentioned again below. If the vibrator is powerful, to soften the vibrations, place a small folded towel between a woman's clitoris and the vibrator. Vibrators should be seen as a way of enhancing sexual pleasure, not as taking away from it.

Dildos and Harnesses: Not Just for Women

While we may assume only women and lesbians would have a use for a dildo in a harness, men can and do use them too. By using a dildo in place of their penis men can actually relax and enjoy sex with their partner to a greater degree, because there is far less pressure to perform, i.e. stress. There is simply much less for them to worry about. They do not have to be concerned about ejaculating too quickly or loosing their erection. They can literally lie back and relax. By removing some of the fear and self-doubt many men experience they will find increased sexual happiness. When and if a man seeks to experience orgasm a couple can engage in whatever sexual activities they desire, including penile-vaginal intercourse.

While some may be concerned about the possible loss of physical intimacy, this will not occur. The amount of physical contact decreases very little by using a dildo. Emotional intimacy is always of greater importance. If a couple has the appropriate mind set, not holding to the false expectation that a "man" must have an erection and ejaculate for there to be "sex," intimacy will not be adversely affected. Keep in mind, penile/vaginal contact does not guarantee intimacy. There may actually be increased intimacy because there will be fewer things to distracted a couple. He will not be worrying about not lasting long enough and she will not be worrying about taking too long. If they experience increased pleasure with fewer fears, sex is going to be more pleasurable and fulfilling for both. Using a dildo in a harness may simply make partnered sex more fun and enjoyable.

The use of a dildo in a harness can increase the number sexual activities a couple can explore and the length of those activities. A woman can sit straddling her partner, and possibly caress her clitoris, while rocking her hips for as long as her heart desires; allowing her partner to observe and share in her pleasure with fewer distractions. A couple can take turns doing the pelvic rocking or thrusting and extend the duration of intercourse. They can simply cuddle while the woman enjoys the feeling of her vagina being filled. A woman can explore and discover if bigger really is better, or switch to smaller when necessary. A couple can explore changing roles by having the woman wear the harness and penetrate her partner. This allows "heterosexual" men to explore fellatio and anal penetration. A dildo and harness will enhance rather than take away from a couple's sexual experiences, if they are open to the idea. As an interesting side note, there are lesbians who feel they are better sexual partners because their penis, a dildo in a harness, is always erect and they never have to worry about ejaculating too quickly, but as a consequence their partner may expect marathon and acrobatic sex.

Women naturally have varying needs and desires when it comes to penetrative sex. A couple can choose a dildo of a size, firmness, and texture that fulfill a woman's individual needs and desires during each sexual activity. She may prefer a small flexible dildo during fellatio and anal intercourse but a large firm one during vaginal intercourse, as an example. If a woman finds deep penetration painful, she can choose a dildo of appropriate size. If she desires more stimulation, she can choose one with bumps and ridges. She can choose a dildo shaped in a way that stimulates her G-Spot. It should be noted that silicone dildos are perhaps the best choice of materials, as well as dildos made from cyberskin, but these are more expensive and harder to care for than silicone. A couple should invest in a high quality harness and dildos because the cheap plastic ones simply do not work; the all in one $20 specials belong in the trash not the bedroom. A $100 investment will serve a couple for many years.

Important Note: Men can use their fingers, as mentioned above, to stimulate their partner's vagina. It is not necessary to use a penis or dildo to stimulate the vagina for it to be pleasurable for both. Using a dildo in a harness is just one option available to couples.




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